My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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