I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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