trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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