at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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