Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
