we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
this is an emotional support booty call
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
