oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
