just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
