Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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