I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
