Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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