My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
