Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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