there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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