Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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