he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
