Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
