He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
