Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
