how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
