I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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