Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
