So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
