Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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