and you said cock pushups were impossible
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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