opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
