she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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