this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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