i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
