i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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