If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
