Your dad touched me again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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