He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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