Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
