I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
two words: eviction party
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
