Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
