My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm like, not good at living.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
