did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
