Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
