Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
