just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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