I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
