I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
