and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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