Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
