When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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