The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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