Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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