...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
As shirtless as possible
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
