I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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