ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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