thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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