I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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