Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
